The groom is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. 82. Often, we can see a lot of videos online documenting engagements and weddings. We can say that this is a warning or a heads-up to what’s waiting for women, could be men, after the wedding. 1. They joke that a woman finds a man she loves for exactly who he is and then spends her life trying to change him. I am a forgiving woman. Mark has always been a bit of a hypochondriac but I think he learned his lesson during exam time when he took a sleeping tablet and a laxative in the same night. 199. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” — Henny Youngman. 168. 200 Funny Marriage Jokes and Sayings About Matrimony. Why don’t you do that?”, Husband: “How can I? He then asked his best-looking friend to be the best man but even he said no. Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. 69. You are posting comments too quickly. Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist; it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again. 119. 50 Genuinely Funny Jokes to make you laugh Last Updated: 8th July 2020. The groom and I have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. One of the most important things during this beautiful day the humor and laughter that comes along with marriage and engagement. This could be one of those wedding quotes you don’t know whether it’s a warning or just a cynical comment – but any will do. Slow down. Love is one sweet, long dream, whereas marriage is the alarm clock. If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing. ''Yes,' replied Bill. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. List of Wedding Jokes and humor, culled from TV shows, films, stand-up comedy and pop culture. I do not advertise this page. Actually, it is no secret at all. They were perfectly suited for each other. Slow down. Anyway that’s enough about me. As the newly married couple arrived by taxi at their honeymoon hotel, the bride bent across to the groom and whispered, “Darling, I don’t want people to realize we are newlyweds. Related: 250 Deep Questions to Ask a Guy or Girl. Never let him date a member of your family. There was an error in your submission. Whether it is your best friend, brother, sister or colleague, congratulate them by writing a humorous quote on a greeting card. 159. 174. Then have the Best Man ask for anyone who has keys to the bride’s place, and have only her dad come up. 96. 31. 123. 185. 114. I had to put my foot down. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. So, what can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? Here are some great wedding jokes and stories you can use as funny wedding toast quotes. I know what you’re all thinking: Doesn’t the best man look great in his suit! 13. Aside from wedding pictures and videos, the sweetness, and funny side of weddings and engagements can be captured through awesomely funny wedding quotes. “Murder yes, but never divorce.”. Refresh your page, login and try again. I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married. I’d also like to congratulate the groom on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it. Whether you’re a soon-to-be bride or groom, let these engagement and wedding quotes serve as reminders to you on your quest to marriage. Also perfect as funny engagement quotes for cards. Because she was glowing. Why? For many couples, writing your own wedding vows is a surefire way to get your personality—and your sense of humor—to come through. Do not sell my personal information. Here’s What To Do About It, According to Your Enneagram Personality Type, Don’t Sweat It! If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive, you’re either me (because I am) or you just married (groom’s name). 140. 30. Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness a unique event in history. Well, I’m not sure who would rally against this but why bother, women should really do the shopping – no buts, no ifs. On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?” She says, “Why does everyone ask me that?”. 110. 27. Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. 19. Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. 2) When you think you’re right, remind yourself of rule #1. Get ’Em Here! Our mission at Good Morning Quote is promoting positivity, increase spirit, spark ideas, encourage success, and motivate people with love quotes, motivational life quotes, and inspiring friends quotes. (checks phone) Her status has been changed to ‘married’, both of her parents immediately ‘disliked’ this, and 32 guys in this room have already “poked” her. 138. Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny engagement quotes, funny engagement sayings, and funny engagement proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources. 200. 187. 250 Questions To Ask A Guy250 Truth or Dare Questions250 Would You Rather Questions250 Conversation-Starters. “Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.” —Richard Pryor. These 101 Best Fitness and Workout Quotes Will Keep You Motivated, 150 of the Best Holly Jolly Christmas Jokes Guaranteed to Spread Holiday Cheer, Better Not Cry, Better Not Pout! 97. The largest collection of wedding one-line jokes in the world. I would like to comment that this is down to a fitness regime which includes me doing at least 50 push-ups a day for the last three months. My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife. Your use of this website constitutes and manifests your acceptance of our User Agreement, Privacy Policy, Cookie Notification, and awareness of the California Privacy Rights. I walked up the aisle and said ‘I do’. This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. I had my credit card stolen the other day, but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife. Today’s wedding is a love match, pure as simple. said the groom's uncle. 193. I told her I already knew that. However, they also assume that their groom should be so emotional at this day to tear up specifically at the time where they will walk up the aisle. Just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings. Before I finish, I would like (Bride and Groom names) to look at eachother in the eyes. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about. It’s not so much who wears the pants, but how much money is in the pockets. Now I have a few cards to read out from those who couldn’t make it today:So where do I start with (Groom’s name) ? Do you know why the king of hearts married the Queen of hearts? 144. My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. This, of course, comes with its own anxieties: writing your own vows can be challenging enough without trying to … I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March. 157. 179. “The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed.” — J. Krishnamurti. 139. “Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? We’re gonna miss you, buddy! 78. 147. Live on the fun side of marriage with our wife jokes and funny husband jokes. 118. Remember, this is the happiest day of your life! My wife says I never listen… or something like that. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six pack! For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Matt. “Heavens no,” he replied. Always. She said, “All kids smell that way.”. She still isn’t talking to me. 132. Before you laugh, look at yourself. The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us. 73. The groom is a very talented man. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is. In advance, hand out keys to 10-15 women (including the groom’s grandma!) That could be too much, but why not – men will really get teary, either because they’re so happy or that they’re gonna get tied. 176. Her friend replied, "Because I married the wrong man!" It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll buy it anyway. 68. And, What’s the last thing you’ll say to you wife before going to sleep? Wrong speech! 154. Well, to save you some of the hassle I have put together a pretty comprehensive list of wedding speech jokes. “Aren’t you coming to bed darling?” she said sexily.”Not in your life!” he replied. And so, without further ado, let me ask those of you who still can to stand up and join me in a toast to the bride and groom. My ex-wife is a great housekeeper—after ever divorce she gets to keep the house. 26. The funny wedding quotes are actually sweet in essence, that it guides you to your path of engagements and weddings. We’re not creeping you out, we are just stating that there are consequences to choices that you have to face – with a happy smile on your cheeks – like marriage which happens after engagement and wedding. - Jack Benny Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended. 62. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Because our laws protect us from cruel and unusual punishment. Whether you’re giving the groom a full roasting or you just want some good one-liners to entertain the crowd, we’ve rounded up our favourite 33 best man speech jokes. She said yes. Keep this in your notes… and mental reminder in your head. See TOP 10 marriage one liners. They got married in the spring. My wife and I always compromise. 106. Absolutely hillarious marriage one-liners! For newly married couples, there is a progression of rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering! My full name is actually ‘(Name) would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name. Wish them onward madness and craziness together. Hello I’m (Name) and I’m an alcoholic… Oh wait! Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You are posting comments too quickly. Pursuant to U.S. We have come up with the top 25 most funny engagement and wedding quotes to guide you in picking the most usable and efficient wedding quotes to fit your purpose. Aside from the customer, the wife is always right. 86. There are only two rules for a happy marriage: 1) Your wife is always right. Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. It would be wonderful someday to see (bride) and (groom) have children. She’s telepathetic. – W. C. Fields. The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it! Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? (You’ll need a prop for this one – a heavy stack of cue cards that might be used as memory joggers for your speech.) 116. Here Are 50 Fabulous and Unique 40th Birthday Ideas, Feeling Stressed During the Holidays? Don’t get it so wrong. 79. What’s the difference between love and marriage? 111. 3. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. The bride has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. conditions of our, Your use of this website constitutes and manifests your acceptance Good afternoon ladies and gentleman. This is just the end of the funniest engagement and wedding quotes. 146. 115. 190. The secret to having your husband come home from work on time? 36. Marriage is like a bar of soap. Funny wedding vows for her like the above are your vows to her. Time to Celebrate! A couple are driving home from their engagement photoshoot and are killed in a car accident. A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener! I’m having trouble reading your handwriting, you can tell me the rest later. The funny quotes and speeches, embarrassing quotes from best friends and family, crazy pictures from the old days when you just met and hilarious father daughter dances during the after party. He said, “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked the bride the same question, she replied, “Coffee and turn up the AC.”. Your ability to get through to her depends on how deep your romantic funny wedding vows to her are. When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. 177. And the groom has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the party weekend in Vegas. 135. 'Congratulations my boy!' He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked me, and, after turning him down the first three times, I couldn’t refuse again. 191. For example, do not use this wedding joke or wedding jokes like it: A man meets a genie. “Any husband who says, ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners’, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.” — Bill Cosby. On the groom’s first date with the bride, he thought he’d make an impression, and promised her a seven course meal. A wedding and a marriage is a legally recognized union which can lead to many funny situations. “If you are ever with a girl that is too good for you – marry her.”. (This one is interactive.) Well, I do hope that the bride and groom enjoy their honeymoon. A Diamond Ring A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. The bride looks absolutely stunning, and the groom looks absolutely stunned! Tell him sex starts at 6 P.M. sharp—whether he’s there or not. That’s why (Bride) didn’t worry about introducing (Groom) to hers until today. I’ve know him for about 10 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic..sorry, wrong wedding. However, that really is not true. When your wife/husband gets a little upset, just remember a simple ‘calm down’ in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her/him a lot more upset. What four letter words can still shock the most progressive of today’s brides? Sadly, bigamy is against the law. Unaccustomed to public speaking as I am, I have been fairly nervous before today’s speeches, however the groom was very good and took me aside to help calm me, he said if I did a really good job and went easy on him, I could be the best man at his next wedding. 131. 59. 148. I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. “My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I’m not going to miss it for anything!”. 80. 70. If you've read our post on how to make a great best man speech, you'll know that we recommend starting with a joke, and today, we're sharing 23 foolproof examples!The beauty of this list is that it works for any wedding speech, whether you're a groom, bride, best man, bridesmaid, groomsman, bridesman, groomsmaid, father of the bride/groom, mother of the bride/groom, granny/grandad of the … I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. 42. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.Why are husbands like lawn mowers? “. On their wedding day, the bride remembered the order and arrived alongside the groom muttering to herself, AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN, AISLE ALTER, HYMN—or as the groom thought he heard: “I’ll alter him!”. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one. An email has been sent to you. Did you hear about the bald man who married his comb? Someday my prints will come! 64. Celeb interviews, recipes, wellness tips and horoscopes delivered to your inbox daily. There are three rings in marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and most importantly the catering. 124. “I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, ‘Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!’” — Bonnie McFarlane. Stay away from mother-in-law jokes. It’s better to realize some things at the earliest time possible, isn’t it? 165. 44. 121. Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. 29. “A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor, 198. - Milton Berle. Ad Choices. 105. This could mean double – either good or bad, up to you to interpret it. 112. Of course, the groom has always been incredibly image conscious, but this morning was particularly bad – he spent three hours in the bathroom! Thanks for signing up! Leading up to today the Bride and Groom were having an issue with the seating plan. 20. of our, Mouthwatering recipes, handy kitchen tips, and more delivered to your inbox, 'Till Death Do Us Part! What do you call two spiders that just got married? So whether you’re looking for clean marriage jokes or the best marriage jokes to share during a wedding speech, or want to include a few jokes about marriage in your wife’s anniversary card, these 200 funny marriage jokes, quotes and silly sayings poke fun at one of life’s greatest adventures: marriage. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. List Rules Any joke pertaining to weddings or married life. 141. Parting gift. Avoid Offensive Wedding Jokes. 127. After a couple of hours I‘d found some really, really good stuff. My wife say I’m too competitive. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. I think people who never have children just don’t understand what they’re missing. And How Do You Celebrate It? Then we met. When the priest reached the inner sanctum he turned around, and was amazed to see the bride and groom crawling to the altar on their knees. Well, we can say, they’re too sweet. He reassured her by pointing out that the ceremony was quite simple. I heard the reception was perfect. Your account was created. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. 37. It looks as though you’ve already said that. 8. Inspiration. And seeing as they made it this far, I can only assume the groom had her wings clipped. 137. To get to the other bride. He has been in love with the same woman for 25 years—I hope his wife doesn’t find out. 120. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there. 117. Sorry…. Sometimes, you just have to get past the humor of this one for it makes sense. 126. My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day. They … Whoops! 24. By creating an account, you accept the terms and Those who finish what they start…” (walks off). Love could be twisted sometimes so you be careful – always – you never know when this becomes a knot. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. They married for better or for worse. with some funny wedding anniversary quotes, they can make their those beautiful funny moment reminds for one more time. Use the filters below to help you find inspiration for your own wedding vows, or feel free to use them word-for-word. 94. Hours of discussion, debate and disagreement—and finally he/she asked me to marry him/her. I always wanted to marry Mrs. 51. 43. Funny Wedding Wishes: Wedding can be pretty stressful, so why not lighten up the mood by sending some funny wedding wishes to your close and dear ones? Funny Wedding Jokes. 33. I don’t even know her.”. What’s in a man’s head is… you know. Since they are made from real human interactions, perhaps they hold bearing to help you realize what is in it for you. 133. 95. Can You Solve This Coin Probability Problem? Don’t worry, my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. They've been going together for so many years, instead of the Wedding March the organist should have played the Hallelujah Chorus. Marriages are made in heaven. Just listen up while I tell you about this couple, and I’ll make it seem like the shortest 45 minutes of your life, 15. Tips. Easy to walk into, confusing to piece together, and difficult to exit.”— Jay Gallagher. Two cannonballs got married this morning. 28. Then if you feel its right, go ahead and laugh out loud. 181. Engagement is the first step in the journey of marriage.